This is a local blog for local people
This time last year people wished me a Happy New Year. Their wish did not come true.
So fuck you all and your year.
Once upon a time there was a Princess, she was as bright as the Sun and as fine as Scarlett Johansson in her Black Widow outfit; the Princess was locked away in a tower and guarded by a wicked witch. No, not a witch, a hag. A dirty, hairy, smelly hag who had the personality of a fart in an elevator. The Princess was very lonely, so she sent a lonely hearts ad on Ye Olde Craigsliste in an attempt to find her one true love.
Meanwhile, there was a handsome prince; handsome is an understatement, he was fucking ripped, always swamped in girls and all the guys wanted to be him because he was so fucking cool, like the coolest guy you’ll ever meet. His parents were angry because he had not yet found a wife, “Get out of the fucking house and get a girlfriend you fucking loser” they would say. “I’m sick of you coming home from work and just getting drunk every day, you’re 23. Sort it out.”
"Fuck that" he would say, "I have a wife, and her name is Jack Daniels (or any other strangely bourbon tasting whiskey available in stores everywhere)". But his parents would persist, they wanted a grandchild. "But Mum," the handsome Prince would say, "you’ve got other kids, my sister is a fucking whore, she’ll give you 10 grandkids, all with their own Dad she doesn’t know the name of". But the Prince did as he was told and he searched Ye Olde Craigsliste; upon his epic search he found an ad from a Princess in a far away land who had smitten him instantly.
The ad read: 20 year old female, needs a big, black cock in her pussy now. Remembering he is Caucasian, the Prince continued his search until he found another ad from another Princess who was just in the next Kingdom. Her ad read: 22 year old female looking for friendship and maybe more…
There was more to the ad but the Prince had fallen so deeply in love he could not bare to read on. He suited up and hopped aboard his gallant steed and set off for the castle. The Prince met many foe along the way, a cross-eyed goblin in Ye Olde Sainsbury’s steed park, whom he stuck down with his trusty sword, a family of bears whom he hung from the neck until dead, and another knight (oh yeah, the Prince is also a knight), on his way to win the Princess’ heart. The evil knight and the Prince-Knight had a fierce battle behind the local alehouse until the local Sheriff arrived; the Prince got away on his steed and fled to the castle.
Once at the castle, the Prince entered and a chill crept over him, it was dark and damp and dusty, the hag’s used tampons overflowed the bin, and dirty dishes filled the sink. This was a wretched place to live. Suddenly the flowers the Prince got from Ye Olde Sainsbury’s caught fire; the Prince spun around and saw the hag. More menacing and filthy and rancid than the legends foretold. At least 7 foot tall, armpit hair down to the elbows and a beard the like of which has never been seen.
The Prince unsheathed his mighty weapon and cut off the hag’s many head-sized boils, before finally driving icy blade through black heart. The hag was defeated; victorious, the Prince saw a light in the tower and navigated towards it with nautical haste. He burst into the room to find the most beautiful creature his perfectly functional eyes ever laid upon. But the Princess was crying, and crying and crying. “My fair lady”, said the Prince “Why dost thou eyes leak?”
"Because you have murdered my friend you wicked, evil, fat cunt!" exclaimed the Princess. Never before had the Prince heard such manner of speaking come from a lady, it strangely gave him the horn. "Fat?" the Prince enquired.
"Debora has been my best friend my whole life, and you have slain her" said the tear strewn Princess. The Prince did not understand her meaning, he assumed he had to defeat the hag to save the Princess. But his mind’s eye wandered to the ad he had read in paragraph 4, to the part he had paid no attention to: Please bring a friend for my friend.
"Oh my lady!" pleaded the Prince "I meant no offense, I truly am sorry for your loss, in my defense, I do not know a single man in all the lands who would dip his wick in that" The Princess cried more. "But please sweet Princess, let us forget this misdemeanor. I have fallen completely and madly in love with you. Will you marry me?" The Princess uttered one word "No."
Upon the journey home the Prince pondered for a while, he remembered that 42% of marriages end in divorce within the first 3 years, he did the world a favour by slaying the hag and the Princess probably favoured the flatter shoe anyway. And he lived happily ever after.
Note: characters loosely based on real people, story loosely based on your Mum.